While spending the past couple weeks prepping our “big project” (tentatively dubbed The Office: The Show: The Apartment), I’ve been jotting down lists of what else amongst our bric-a-brac could be replaced or improved with a little applied style. And as it turns out, making lists is where I’m a Viking. So every Friday, I’ll present a short set of little solutions I have for our little problems.

I’d like to have a “clever” name for this segment, but all I can come up with is Friday Necessities. If you can think of a better one, feel free to suggest it in the Comments section. Bonus points for witty puns.

Just recently our apartment became a source of even greater clutter and frustration when our sloppy, unkempt roommate moved out. It was bad enough that the defecting slob left a Pigpen-like trail of dust and trash behind him as he exited, but we were forced to realize how reliant we were on his filthy presence - turns out the majority of our appliances were his property. It’s one thing to put up with a bad roommate, it’s another when he bails and takes the coveted Mr. Coffee with him.

Now we’re picking up after him, and finding what needs to be replaced. And after the two days it took for Ex-Tenant to get the last of his things out, it could be quite a lot. Not to mention the apartment needed some smartening up already. So this is what I think we could use so far –
This Week’s Necessities:

- New Entertainment Center. Our fugitive-from-rent was the owner of the dreadful TV in our living room, a $100 Sony knock-off that sounded like someone blowing their nose in a styrofoam cup. So while we’re happy to see it go, we’re now without means for live updates from the Colbert Nation. But being Film Buffs, this presents our remaining collective an opportunity: we can construct our very own home theater. Complete with a slick projector setup, for late night arthouse marathons of Kubrick and Kurosawa.

- New Microwave. A must for any home with a constant supply of leftover pizza in its refrigerator. Our space is limited however, so I’m afraid there will be no Squid Dinners for us. A modest Kenmore should do the trick.

- Coffee Maker. In the absence of a proper brewing station, we’ve been blowing a lot of cash at Starbucks and The Dunkin (which is incidentally the title of a screenplay I’m writing as a vehicle for Burt Reynolds and Katee Sackhoff). Cash that could have been invested in our projector by now. So in the interest of saving money later, I think we can splurge now on a kingly Saeco brewer, with a steel carafe that I would probably carry with me all day, ever prepared. This machine and I could be best friends.

- Toaster. Before, we’d been using an inefficient toaster oven; my personal feeling is that such outdated technology is never going to get the job done as well as the real thing. And while we’re at it, let’s try something jazzy and spaceage - one of those badboys by Dualit. My love affair with the concept of Three-Slot Toasters is already well known; they portend the answers to centuries-old philosophical quandaries. For when two slices are never enough, but four slices would be too ostentatious.

- End Tables. A proper living space will always need flat surfaces for drink placement, something which we currently lack. I’m no fan of coffee tables - they obstruct what should be open paths between seating and televisions - so the clear answer is convenient side placement (see, I think these things through!). These valve cover tables by Jefferson Mack Metal struck me as both cool and properly representin’ of our New York loyalties, but I doubt they’ll fit in with our Office motif. Instead I think something more sophisticated is necessary. Looking through their wares, Quoizel looks “casually formal” enough that it could fit in with what we’ll be doing next.